Curtains

• Hospital stays are odd. You pack your best things and prepare your self almost like going on holiday: legs waxed, miniature toiletries purchased, new underwear etc. So with this in mind on trip advisor I will be giving my stay all the highest possible ratings. Staff were exceptional the food menu excellent presentation of food excellent. Accommodation spotless.

I spent six days with my fellow Ward Warriors, we were all in battle together, and I couldn’t have asked for better company. We shared stories together, cried together but mainly laughed together.

Day 1 op 8.5 hours under no comment as I was in a wonderful deep sleep… waking up was surreal I was in HDU and covered in tubes and very sore.

Was offered pain relief ….oh yes! ….Bring on the morphine drip….can’t wait …

Er nope …

The pain relief for having contents of a boob scooped out and abdomen stuffed into empty boob sack then all pulled  and stuck together is apparently paracetamol and ibuprofen…… I take stronger than that for the thought of a bloody hangover!

This was not boding well .

Day 2 much excitement as coaxed off the bed and sat upright ….ouch …. we were all issued with a rolled up towel to hold on abdomen to help with coughing. We used it more for the laughter.

Day 3 shower and some tubes removed.

The shock of looking in the mirror…

I can almost hear your thoughts and empathy now about facing a mutilalted body for the first time ….

You do really have to brace yourself for the new damaged you.

My horror went like this:

“ Shit my thighs are so fat !”

Yup days of abstinence and tiny meals and a beached whale still staring back at me … damn.

The days moved on we were prodded and poked regularly to check all was well … and that was just from our visitors 😂Those curtains are great for privacy they pull them around your bed and poke your boob and check your abdomen and your drains ( medics now not visitors… well in most cases … there are always some odd bods .)

My three Ward Warriors could of course, hear everything though the cotton and polyester lemon, blue and lavender patterned modesty barrier.

Oh we heard it all.

We knew how well each other was feeling, we knew if we had any discomfort or emotional problems and we all awaited with baited breath as to whether an answer would be in the affirmative when quizzed if we had opened our bowels !

And if that isn’t enough information should the answer be affirmative the nurse produced a screen on the iPad of a variety of poos and we were requested to identify which number image represented our latest motion ….. I didn’t know ….

I never look ….

i panicked……

I lied….

I couldn’t resist… I said……number two!

Number two who wouldn’t?

What other number could you possibly give as a reply to a question grading poo numerically?

And seriously …..who studies their poo?

Day 5 Physio arrived we ward warriors stood by our beds and went through the motions ( exercise motions now not bowel that would be wrong)

To paint the complete image we were all in pjs and had drains hanging out of us which we were carrying about in green carrier bags … were these really our exercises?

We basically performed a silent version of the Macarena….. dun da da dun da da dun da da da da ….. yeah … Macarena !

My work is done you all now have that tune in your heads.

So back home apprehensive without my mechanical bed , the experts, the amazing staff and my fellow Ward Warriors.

Mr S has proved to be the most attentive carer, we’ve been through a lot recently as a family so imagine how wonderful it was for us all to sit together; myself, Mr S and the gorgeous teenagers S1, S2, S3 &S4. So lovely to share an evening meal together. Mr S served us up a rather splendid much needed chicken soup!

So good to to be back home.

Don’t forget if you don’t fancy being prodded and poked by strangers then prod and poke yourselves.

Rummage away !